


The Very Unexpected Diary of Bombur

by windfallswest



Series: The Very Unexpected Diaries [7]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 22:42:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windfallswest/pseuds/windfallswest





	The Very Unexpected Diary of Bombur

**The Very Unexpected Diary of Bombur**

 

 **Day 1**  
Bofur let cousin Bifur talk him into big capital-rune-Quest, but am having second thoughts. Bofur said quests good exercise. I said dragons only good exercise if you survive long enough to start running.

 

 **Day 67**  
Prospective addition to Company not Dwarf, but keeps v. well-stocked larder. Could have done with some haggis, though. Generously volunteered to help clear it out before long journey. 

Had to rescue cheese from Balin and Dwalin. You'd think after so long in Blue Mountains, would recognise Bleu Cheese. 

 

 **Day 68**  
Am definitely hairiest Dwarf in Company: go me!

 

 **Day 77**  
Gandalf obviously horrible microphile. Always sneaking off into brush with Fili and Kili during night. Lack of sleep probably v disruptive to proper digestion. Thorin too busy making eyes at Bilbo to notice. Combination of mooning and brooding enough to stun Oliphaunt at fifty paces.

Bilbo somehow oblivious, trying to pull every other Dwarf in Company. Asked me today if I wanted to smoke his pipe. 

 

 **Day 103**  
Almost eaten by Mountain Trolls. Is bad enough to be cooked, but badly? No respect for culinary arts. It's enough to make a Dwarf cry.

 

 **Day 94**  
Yesterday, Gandalf walking funny. Today, also Bofur and Balin. And last week, overheard Dwalin ask Gloin if he wanted to see his war hammer. Would say everyone in Company but me knocking boots, but Dori and Nori too concerned with messing up hair to go in for that sort of thing. Am keeping an eye on Bifur, Ori, and Oin, though. 

 

 **Day 111**  
Met Wizard Radagast. Is obvious no one ever taught him to recognise wrong sort of mushrooms. Suggested to Gandalf that he might want to cut down on the pipeweed, try gum instead.

 

 **Day 112**  
Fili and Kili vanished without trace. Thorin too busy resenting Elves to notice.

 

 **Day 115**  
Interrupted game of rude charades between Bifur and Oin today out on back porch. Starting to get nervous; Ori's beard far too simple.

 

 **Day 125**  
Miss ponies. Damn Fili, Kili, and their wizard-shagging. 

 

 **Day 128**  
Convinced Fili and Kili to teach Ori Elvish hair-plaiting techniques. Crisis averted.

 

 **Day 173**  
Bofur right: adventures lots of exercise.

Fuck Bofur.

 

 **Day 176**  
Thorin and Bilbo both dense as trolls in daylight. May have to ask cousin Bifur to kill them both if neither tries anything.


End file.
